Eternity

I care about the months no more
I’d count only when it’s necessary
But keeping records of every hour
Would make me sound really crazy

I don’t really know the difference
Of months from weeks and days
Of hours from minutes and seconds
Of sometimes from seldom and always

But I only know of two phases in love
Now—that is happening at the moment
And eternity—a gift we receive from above
These are periods I can never count

So if someone asks me this question
“When did you start loving him?”
“Now and each day my love goes on
My love is infinite—no end or beginning.”

Then you asked, “How long will you love me?”
I replied, “Would you help me count, please
How many days are there in an eternity?
'Cause I will love you even after we die in peace.”

How Fighting Keeps the Love Alive

I guess the honeymoon's stage almost over. Day by day, we feel the relationship's starting to go through some difficulties. We fight over things we can't change for each other, and argue about our different views in life and relationship. Of course, we've seen this coming. During the early stage of our relationship, we've talked about how normal and imperfect we will be, and that no one's gonna give up because of that. Well, things are easier said than done. After the first months of our relationship, it's kinda depressing to get hurt because we're fighting. It's like I'm suddenly awake from a fairy tale dream.

Of course, no one in their right minds would want to fight with anyone they hold dear. I don't want us getting angry because it's frustrating and depressing at the same time. It's making me say painful things I'll regret later on. And as much as we are in love, we don't want arguments turning into a wall between us.

We seldom fight. And when we do, we don't leave it hanging before bedtime. This isn't how I handle misunderstandings, especially when I think I'm not at fault. But when you're in love, the relationship matters more than who's to blame. When you're in love, you don't wanna sleep with an unsettled argument. And when you're deeply in love, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong.

Sincere apologies are sometimes enough to stop the fight. Sometimes it also takes a little sweetness to shift the mood. For instance, I'm not talking because I didn't like what my boyfriend did; he'd act so romantically like he's courting me all over again. It's not a thing he does to cover up for his mistake. It's just to easen up the mood so we could calmly talk about what happened.

I never liked fighting with him. But since it's unavoidable, there's no other way to enjoy our relationship more by enjoying the aftermaths of every argument. Settling an argument gives us the feeling of achievement. It's our reward for working out this relationship without separating. Fights are both pleasure and pain because you don't want your beliefs being tested by your relationship, but you learn a lot from it.

So if we fight every now and then, I can't say I'm happy, but I'm not sad either. As long as these fights do not cause physical and emotional harm, I believe these are gonna make us a healthy couple who's normally going through some difficulties in life.

Finding him is not an easy journey, so does maintaining my relationship with him. We both vowed to never let our fights ruin our love for each other, but instead let our disputes strengthen our faith in this God-given relationship. So I don't care if the honeymoon stage is over, because we're on our way to something bigger and more wonderful than the first months of our relationship, which is FOREVER.

**************

There are a million ways to have peaceful fights. No shouting. No blaming. And no retelling each other's past mistakes. Many people are incapable of resolving arguments calmly. They always end up shouting at each other, saying bad and painful words, and sometimes physically hurting each other. This is absolutely depressing to witness. Remember, if your partner gives you the right to get mad at him/her because he/she is at fault, that right doesn't give you the power to disrespect him/her out of anger. Always keep the tone down, never emphasize that the entire fight is solely his/her fault, and (when resolved) never bring that up again.

Day 2 of 2015

I never imagined this would all be real. A lot of times I doubted if this would all work out or fail again just like how my stories ended up. I’m not a bitter woman anymore, but I have this feeling that if I plan and expect too much, I’ll be completely damned again. So I don’t plan things; I just let everything happen. I don’t expect a lot from my partner. I just let him do what he wants to do. I still give restrictions but I don’t expect his hundred percent obedience. I mean, I still hate some things he does, but I’m not strict anymore to get really mad over things he wasn’t able to follow. (Oh, and by the way, I hate the words follow, obey and rules. They all make relationships fail.) Without too much expectations and plans, I guess my life would be better with my partner, as well as his life with me. And it worked. I’m so glad it all worked. I finally knew the secret to a healthy relationship. I may be too young to know these things, but at least I knew what’s going on with me and I did something about it.

Aside from the fact that I was able to determine the problem with me, there’s also this drastic change in him that makes this relationship so worthy. I was surprised by the way he’s acting ever since we got back together. He seems so in love with me, like he’s made this promise beyond my knowledge that he’ll love me more than before if I give him another chance. Well, he told me before that he really did. He promised not to let me go again, to make our relationship work out this time, and to make us last forever. He said he’d make me happy all the time and by all means. He told me he’d make up for the last time we had our breakup, that he’ll never hurt me again and he’ll love me because I’m the last woman he’ll ever love. Cheesy, right? I didn’t shed a tear, though my heart was really overjoyed. I never thought he’d turn into a man I’d always dreamt of. He wasn’t really a bad boyfriend before, but he’s totally different now. I can’t even remember what he was like before. All that matters now is what he became after all this time.

I used to daydream that someday a guy will spend the holidays with me even though it’s supposed to be a time with the family. But then it never happened so I threw away all those fantasies and believed that holidays are better when I’m alone. But yesterday, he turned my world upside down. It was the first day of the year, and he wanted to be with me. At home. What he did seemed a normal effort for me, but little did he know that he just made the most perfect decision to be with me on January 1st. I may seem a little hesitant to recognize that effort he made, but at the back of my mind, it’s all I ever wanted and he just made my dream come true! He’s really the greatest.

So we spent half the day together; the first hours were at the mall, strolling around looking for stuff and something to eat. The rest was at home, watching a movie and talking about random things. We were sitting side by side until I craved so much for his warmth. All of a sudden I wanted to just hug him tightly and kiss him infinitely, like we were alone in the house. That moment, my mind was occupied by thoughts of him. He means the world to me. And I was filled with questions, wondering what would happen to me in his absence. What would my life be without him? What would happen to my heart when the only reason for its beating is his love? What would love mean when he’s gone? He’s everything, and if I ever lose him again, I’d be nothing.

He came home late because we waited for my brother’s arrival. I want him to meet my brother so we patiently waited. Honestly, I was nervous. I didn’t know how to react when my brother paced down, reached for his right hand, and shook hands with him. I was happy but I didn’t know what to say. Whatever happened that moment, it was amazing. He met all of my family, and I’m more than glad he’s okay with all of them.

That night, while he was on his way home, we were texting each other when he started telling me things I’d always love to hear, like travel plans, birthday trips (this was originally discussed at home when we’re still together), and marriage. As a woman, I’m naturally dreamy, thinking about all of these things out loud all the time. I’m only trying to hide that feminine part of me most of the time because I didn’t want to expect too much from everything. But now that I heard the same things I’m thinking of from the man I love, I knew our love was not the ordinary feeling we get when we were still young. It’s the kind of love we feel when we’re old enough to think about the future, how we are going to plan our wedding, how much we will spend for that special occasion, and other things only mature couples think about. When he told me his plans for us, I fought the urge to cry for so much happiness, but what the hell, I’m already weeping. I ran out of words to respond to his texts. It took me more than three minutes to compose a message I usually create in a minute. His words were like a remedy to my deepest wounds; when he repeatedly told me to stop crying and just save those tears for his intense proposal, I suddenly felt like life isn’t really tough at all. I cried. He made me believe again in what love can do; that it only takes a man and a woman—for instance, us—truly in love with each other to make life more worthy than riches. I don’t mean to forget the value of money, and just let love do it’s magic on our relationship. Of course, everything is important as well. Love, which is the foundation of marriage, is not the only thing that will keep the marriage alive forever. And that’s why I’m so glad he’s my partner. Our minds are on the same page, that’s why we agree on most things. I don’t claim that we don’t have our many differences. We definitely do, and we’re able to work together despite disagreements. I know we’re a great team, and we’re doing everything towards the success of our long-lasting relationship.

Everything he did and said last night indeed made my day a perfect one. It doesn’t have to take 24 hours to show your loved one how much he or she means to you. For us, it only takes a second to appreciate each other’s presence, a minute to know that we’re always here for each other, an hour to tell the loveliest words we’d long to hear, and a few more hours to show each other how much we love to be together even in silence. I love him so much that I’m not suicidal anymore if he leaves me. He’ll only take away my heart if he strays away, but I know he’ll never ever leave my side. This love brought back the happiness and freedom I lost, the care I used to give, and the life I used to live. So I won’t waste this heaven-sent chance for us to work this out till forever. I love you, baby.

Weekends

What are weekends for?

There’s always something special about weekends. It’s when you can have the whole day hanging out with people who make you happy in different ways. It’s when you can spend most of your time going crazy and laughing over random things. It’s when you can de-stress yourself and relax for a while. But that’s not what makes my weekends special. Not regularly, but this is when I get to spend more than 24 hours with the one I love. It’s when I get to live his life for a day and be with his family too. It’s when I can play my girlfriend role for lots of hours and don’t get tired doing it. For 24 hours, I get to be with him and show him what life is all about when you’re with the one you love. It’s the time of the week when I realize how tough my week went from Monday to Friday, but he simply kisses the exhaustion away that makes the complicated easy. These days make me think how wonderful life is. Just loving him makes me the happiest kid, and knowing that he loves me more makes me feel like I’m in heaven.

I could blame all the tingling sensation to the love hormones that my body keeps on producing every time he’s near. Sometimes it’s too much; I can feel the sudden urge to come close, hang on and don’t let go. The love hormones are just too active these past few days that my mind wouldn’t make me sleep in time. I eat a lot (but responsibly). I would find myself thinking about him in the middle of a job task. I even smile when the thinking crosses the line. Sometimes I would make an excuse, run to the bathroom, then scream silently because I feel so kinikilig just thinking about him. When he says good things I’d love to hear face-to-face, it’s truly breath-taking that makes me run out of words.

Then there’s the planning of the future that makes me feel so serious and sure about what we’re doing. I love the way he tells me what he wants without that impression of a manly demand (A manly demand is like “I want this so you MUST follow me whether you like it or not, if you seriously love me.”) Instead, he’s telling me what he wants, involves me in it, asks for my opinion, and asks me what I also want. This relationship is a great team, complete with perfect plans and communication.

Alongside seriousness, I’m also glad that we’re happy being simple. At their home, we do nothing but lie down, sleep, and watch random TV shows. I would make him sleep until we both fall asleep. We talk about things that make us laugh for seconds. We sit side by side comfortably even in silence. We share the same blanket. We eat together when it’s time. I’m extremely happy for all these things we do because we’re together. I miss this every day. I wouldn’t wish for time to speed up just so I can be with him. Time will not keep the love alive. I would rather wish for us to be stronger through the test of time because love only becomes unbreakable when worked out by two people. Love remains when two people agree to never give up on each other.

Right now, I feel nothing else but joy. I feel so in love like this is the first time, like everything falls into the right place. Everything he does makes me feel that I never made the wrong decision. I love him every day. I love him every second of my life. I couldn’t tell you more how much I do love him, but I can tell you how long it will last—forever. I love him forever and a day.

He Kept My Love Letters

First of all, I can’t believe he’s kept all the letters I gave him a year ago. There are short but sweet letters handwritten on a notepad, and there are too long and hurting ones printed on an ordinary paper. He was smiling when he handed it to me, so I expected beautiful pieces I wrote for him. There’s a brown notepad folded in half. Inside was a very short fifth “monthsary” greeting I made. Then there’s the McDonald’s French fries packet with a few paragraphs inside, quite longer than the former. I designed it with letter stickers—that stayed unused since high school until I found someone special to use it for. It was a teenage thing to write such weird letter on a French fries packet, but it was what he wanted that time so I did.  Maybe it wasn’t really a teenage thing to do if it has something to do with love.

All those letters were really great. I thought of continuing that—giving him short and long letters until he’s kept loads of them in his cabinet. However, I felt suddenly sad when I opened the other one. It’s handwritten on stationeries, about four to five pages, folded in thirds, and placed inside a matching vertical envelope. The paper design seemed cheerful but the content was hurting. Well, for me, it is too painful to re-read. I honestly don’t remember this one until I saw it again. It contained words that meant “I can live without you” and “I’m not sure about you anymore.” If he was the one who have said these things to me, I would really cry for days. I can’t believe I’ve told him these things. It was really immature and completely irrational. Clearly, I wasn’t in my proper mind that time. It wasn’t a love letter, I realized. But he still kept it. Gosh, I can’t believe myself.

And then there’s the printed one that took around seven pages to contain everything I have written for days. It was a compilation. The first long entries are the lonely days I had because I did something awful (March 1, 2012) that made me lose him for the first time—almost. He broke up with me but he came back after a week. Until now, his return is still a wonderful thing to remember.

Next to it is a very short entry about our relationship becoming official. Really short, but at least it’s a happy and romantic one. It’s followed by another set of long entries about another seven days of separation. That time (April 1, 2012), I was the one to ask for the temporary separation. According to the letter, I was too depressed to believe that he truly loved me. I would not want to enumerate all accounts, but I’m telling you, it extremely hurts. It was the truth, and it killed both of us. After seven days of that separation, according to what I read (because I can’t remember how it ended), I was waiting again for a text message from him. But I wasn’t too desperate anymore. I realized a lot of things from the space, and that I wanted him to fill that emptiness again. “I’m not sad anymore because I have learned to accept that I’ll be incomplete every single day of my life,” I wrote. “But that didn’t mean I can be without him. I still can’t.”

Lastly, I also saw a small piece of paper folded twice. It was a ripped page from a notebook, containing an apology letter about that awful thing I mentioned earlier. The composition was as awful as what happened—LOL. But as far as I remember, I was in a hurry to write that short letter because he was about to go home in a few hours. I managed to hand it to his teammate before I went to class. Again, I can’t believe he’s kept that one. I thought he’d thrown it away the moment he received it.

So, I can’t believe that after all this time all these letters are still with him. I don’t know how to feel. Well, I have here a short list of what I felt (not in order):

1. I couldn’t thank him enough for that simple effort of keeping my letters.  They’re not all good but he wanted those memories to stay with him. (I feel so indescribably happy about this thought.)
2. I have deleted all those blog posts in my account so I’m glad he’d saved the hard copies. (But there’s one really good and romantic entry I can never retrieve.)
3. I couldn’t contain my happiness that someone who’s dear to me can truly appreciate everything I did—for a long period of time!
4. It was also an unforgettable moment when he gave me the letters and that look again, telling me, “This is how I treasured you all this time.” Just like the old times, I think I blushed and went speechless again. Oh God, he never fails to make me so speechlessly happy with his oh-so-sincere-and-romantic words.
5.  I suddenly felt so eager to go back to writing love letters because it’s making someone very happy. Writing isn’t new to me because when I know someone’s going to read it whole-heartedly, I will give my best. But the feeling that finally I get to write for someone who’s certainly going to digest every word—and even saving it for good—is totally new.
6. The next thing I felt, I wanted this relationship to last forever. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I would continue making letters for him. I want to make him laugh. I want to be his bestfriend, partner, soulmate, girlfriend, and soon-to-be wife. I want him to feel loved because I really, really, really do. I want him to know that I feel loved too.

It may be too early to be so conclusive, or I may sound so young and crazy in love again. But I really think and feel he’s the one. I don’t care what everyone else has to say (because they always have something to say!), but I really think we should be together for life. I’m not old enough, but I’m neither getting younger. He’s just brought me home and introduced me to his literally extended family and childhood friends. I wasn’t asking for it this time but he invited me over, and what’s a little yes to something I have been waiting all my life? No second thoughts, I said yes. I can’t tell you how I exactly feel about this. All I know is that this is very special to me.

I’m going to give you a quick list of how I enjoyed almost two days of being with him:

·         I missed that look he gives me every minute. The way he checks on me every time if I’m okay and his sweet voice whenever he reminds me of what I shouldn’t eat. Oh, and the way he talks to me when we’re alone. I missed all those things; and now it’s happening again, I would never let this slip away again.

·         He sings a lot but I love his voice (that he didn’t believe at first). I wondered why I didn’t notice it before. I love how he looks at me when the line describes our relationship. If only he can see through my heart and memories, he’ll understand how an act as simple as that means so much to me.

·         He doesn’t seem to forget everything we’ve talked about before. He can remember even the smallest things I told him.

·         He just made me want to listen to and sing love songs again. By the way, the songs in my playlist would remind me of him most of the time; even when we’re still apart, most of the songs I listen to are about him. (I’m telling the truth!)

·         The first thing I do when I go over to someone’s house is to observe how they treat their mother. I noticed he’s really sweet to his mother. He would be annoying and moody sometimes but he’s a really good son to his mother. I can tell. And I’m extremely glad I witnessed a very good relationship he has with his parents,and siblings as well.

·         Aside from him, I also missed the company he has. His friends are all very funny and interesting. I may not understand everything they say (because they talk too fast and in a different dialect), but I like being there just listening, decoding their speedy words, and laughing with them.

·         Honestly, I’m really a clingy person. I badly need to hold him every time. I need him to hold my hand. He must allow me to be really close to him when I have to. I know my limitations, so I know when to behave and when to misbehave—LOL. Seriously speaking, I just want him to let me hold his hand, grasp his arms, hug him, stroke his hair, touch and caress every part of his body, put my arms above his shoulders, rub his tummy, and sniff his shoulders because I need to. Not every time, but when it feels really appropriate, I’m a freaking clingy person.

·         Last, but not to end the list (because there’s always a lot of things left unsaid), I love him to the bones. That just sums up how I enjoyed his entire presence.

It’s really too early to give an overview of how this relationship is going to be in the future, but so much has changed between us. The way we see things, handle our differences, and manage our communication is so much better that I believe we’ll be stronger than before. Again, here’s another quick list to expound what I’m trying to say:

·         Past is past.I love the fact that the past is just a place for mistakes and learning. It’s not a thing we should keep looking back to because why the hell dowe have to, right?

·         Acceptance.I’ve learned to accept the things I never took into consideration before. Like what he said, we’re old enough to know what’s right and wrong—and of course, to do what’s right.

·         Demands. I don’t have to tell him what to do because he already knows it. For instance, when I feel like I’m about to feel off, he’d just quickly apologize and that’s it. This was an issue I’ve been trying to work out for so long, but now I managed to reduce my selfish demands and focus on what the other can do for me. A relationship, after all, is not about what I think he can do for me. I’ll let him do what he thinks he need to do. I believe he knows what I want because we’ve been together for a long time.

·         Less doubts. Well, I trust him a lot. A LOT. I believe I have nothing to doubt. I’ll be stopping myself from overthinking this time.

There’s too much to say here but this has gone too long. I wouldn’t want this one to reach 2,000 words. Three words for my man: I LOVE HIM. One more word for my future husband: FOREVER.

Thanks for everything, Baby! I love youuuuu a looooooot. Don’t you forget that, okay! :)))