Eternity

I care about the months no more
I’d count only when it’s necessary
But keeping records of every hour
Would make me sound really crazy

I don’t really know the difference
Of months from weeks and days
Of hours from minutes and seconds
Of sometimes from seldom and always

But I only know of two phases in love
Now—that is happening at the moment
And eternity—a gift we receive from above
These are periods I can never count

So if someone asks me this question
“When did you start loving him?”
“Now and each day my love goes on
My love is infinite—no end or beginning.”

Then you asked, “How long will you love me?”
I replied, “Would you help me count, please
How many days are there in an eternity?
'Cause I will love you even after we die in peace.”

With or Without Words

Dear Baby Love,

I missed writing long letters for you. My mind’s so occupied with a million thoughts of you, and I really can’t put my happiness into words. Each day as my love for you gets deeper, I lose the words that can tell you how much I love you. I don’t mean I can’t write love letters anymore. But my love for you turned out to be something I can’t actually write about. I didn’t lose my power to write such lovely letters for my love. Rather, I gained the power to love you beyond words.

I know you definitely appreciate my letters, the same way I am pleased with your efforts to be with me. And I know you don’t want me to stop creating more for you. Don’t worry, even though I get speechless now, I’d still write lots of letters. That’s my promise, and I believe I was born to make you feel loved with my words. Don’t you fret if some of the things I write may sound like a routine. As repetitive as my words are, my feelings remain strong towards you whatever happens.

This won’t be a long letter, love. But I promise I won’t stop writing for you. Always remember that you’re the reason for all my writings. With or without words, I will always let you know how much I love you.

Love, Cher

How Fighting Keeps the Love Alive

I guess the honeymoon's stage almost over. Day by day, we feel the relationship's starting to go through some difficulties. We fight over things we can't change for each other, and argue about our different views in life and relationship. Of course, we've seen this coming. During the early stage of our relationship, we've talked about how normal and imperfect we will be, and that no one's gonna give up because of that. Well, things are easier said than done. After the first months of our relationship, it's kinda depressing to get hurt because we're fighting. It's like I'm suddenly awake from a fairy tale dream.

Of course, no one in their right minds would want to fight with anyone they hold dear. I don't want us getting angry because it's frustrating and depressing at the same time. It's making me say painful things I'll regret later on. And as much as we are in love, we don't want arguments turning into a wall between us.

We seldom fight. And when we do, we don't leave it hanging before bedtime. This isn't how I handle misunderstandings, especially when I think I'm not at fault. But when you're in love, the relationship matters more than who's to blame. When you're in love, you don't wanna sleep with an unsettled argument. And when you're deeply in love, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong.

Sincere apologies are sometimes enough to stop the fight. Sometimes it also takes a little sweetness to shift the mood. For instance, I'm not talking because I didn't like what my boyfriend did; he'd act so romantically like he's courting me all over again. It's not a thing he does to cover up for his mistake. It's just to easen up the mood so we could calmly talk about what happened.

I never liked fighting with him. But since it's unavoidable, there's no other way to enjoy our relationship more by enjoying the aftermaths of every argument. Settling an argument gives us the feeling of achievement. It's our reward for working out this relationship without separating. Fights are both pleasure and pain because you don't want your beliefs being tested by your relationship, but you learn a lot from it.

So if we fight every now and then, I can't say I'm happy, but I'm not sad either. As long as these fights do not cause physical and emotional harm, I believe these are gonna make us a healthy couple who's normally going through some difficulties in life.

Finding him is not an easy journey, so does maintaining my relationship with him. We both vowed to never let our fights ruin our love for each other, but instead let our disputes strengthen our faith in this God-given relationship. So I don't care if the honeymoon stage is over, because we're on our way to something bigger and more wonderful than the first months of our relationship, which is FOREVER.

**************

There are a million ways to have peaceful fights. No shouting. No blaming. And no retelling each other's past mistakes. Many people are incapable of resolving arguments calmly. They always end up shouting at each other, saying bad and painful words, and sometimes physically hurting each other. This is absolutely depressing to witness. Remember, if your partner gives you the right to get mad at him/her because he/she is at fault, that right doesn't give you the power to disrespect him/her out of anger. Always keep the tone down, never emphasize that the entire fight is solely his/her fault, and (when resolved) never bring that up again.

Our Fate

I'm not trying to question our fate to be together, but I still wonder how we ended up as a couple after a long time. Just imagine how many people we could have met before we saw each other again, how a million things could have happened that would hinder this second chance, and how fast the time flies which would have let that moment slip away in a snap. It seems like a fantasy to think how one's life can be affected by a tiny change in time. What if I didn't send you that friend request, will we be given that second chance? What if you weren't online for days and you didn't see my request, will you still be interested in me? What if I decided to deactivate my account that time, will our fate find another way to let us talk to each other again?

Love's a mystery. Stories about love may seem so clear at first, but when you look through it, there are too many questions you know only God can answer. I know nothing about my fate, whether I'll know my soulmate at age 21 or I'll get married with the same man at 26. I just follow God's plan for me. I may have doubted Him for so many times, but this time, I know He's finally giving me the few people I can keep for a lifetime.

The way we met again is a mystery none of us can solve. But it amazes me every time I try to think how God wants our love story to be like. It seems complicated because unlike other stories, we had to go through tough trials and stubborn people. They say it's the journey that counts. Well, not with our love story, at least in the first part. I didn't like the journey primarily because we had to be apart. In that chapter of our story, I just liked the destination of our journey, and that's being with you again.

This is only the beginning of another chapter in our love story. I know we're stronger than before. We don't have to separate again baby. We'll always be together no matter how difficult the circumstances are. No one's gonna leave each other. And that's a vow we made the moment we said I love you, okay? I swear I'll never break your heart again. I love you, Von. You're the answer to my prayers. <3

The First and Only Time I Fell in Love

I can't thank you enough for everything you've done in a very short time. I don't know how to thank you for being such a good boyfriend to me. You never fail to make me smile everyday. I'm not exaggerating things since you came into my life again. It's the truth, I'm so happy every single day. And this means so much to me. Having you here in my heart, making me the luckiest girl on the planet, is a dream come true and an answered prayer. In case you don't know how much this means to me, let me tell you two things...

First, I've been telling this a lot of times, but this is actually the first time it felt so true, that I'm undoubtedly in love with a man who's more in love with me. This is the first time I'm getting goose bumps and butterflies in my stomach at the same time while telling people how much I love you. I know you're feeling the same, and everything feels like the first and the only time you fell in love, right?

Second, I've heard the same words before, but everything you say now sounds so new, like they're repeating every single day, and I'm feeling the same happiness I felt the first time I heard it. I've heard I love you perhaps a thousand times, but yours is so different. It's my ultimate favorite music of all time, that I can listen to your I love you's every second without getting tired. And everything else you say, it's just so magical. Everything feels like the first time -- everyday!

What makes everything you do more magical is how it makes me more happier today than yesterday. And I really feel it's going to be like that till we get old. So by the time we're 90s, I'm gonna be a zillion times happier than today. :)

I hope you also feel how much I love you, the same way I feel loved by you. Your love is so sweet and strong at the same time, that you're both my weakness and strength. You've been turning my world upside down, but it's not the bad love people usually get from the wrong people. I know I'm with the right person now, and we're both getting the good love we deserve, because everything feels so right. I can't further explain how I exactly feel about this, but one thing's for sure...

I'm going to love you till we both get wrinkles and white hair. I'll still tell you you're handsome despite poor eyesight due to old age. I'm going to stand by your side despite the weakness of my bones. My heart will beat only for you till it stops beating. I was born to love you, and I'm going to die loving you.

I love you so much baby. Thank you for not making me cry for so much pain.

First Love

You are that first sunlight at dawn,
The light that tells me the darkness is over,
With your warmth against my chest,
I am filled with hope I'll be sorrowful never.

You are that first drop of water in the shower,
That as you flow through my entire flesh,
My body is refreshed, my heart is cleansed,
You take away the pain of yesterday's regrets.

You are that first sip of coffee in the morning,
Your heat keeps my soul awakened,
You open my eyes to a new day ahead,
And leave all my last night's thoughts in bed.

You are that first look out the window,
That lets me see what's waiting for me,
Outside there's the harsh reality,
Today's another chance to live and let it be.

You are that first bite of food in breakfast,
That fuels my body with enough power,
To seize the day, make things happen,
To forget the past that had left me broken.

You are that first song in the playlist,
The tune that gets me dancing alone,
Cheers me up as I start this new day,
Sings to me, 'You are not on your own.'

Oh Von, can't you see?
You are the first thing on my mind.
I've never had such a lovely man like you,
Who doesn't see what's been behind.

You are that first love I've ever had,
Who turns my fantasies into reality,
Gives me the kind of love I long to feel,
And makes me the best person I can be.

This I promise now and forever,
No matter how many storms will arrive,
I'll stay with you through whatever,
Von, you are the last man I will ever love.

Side by Side

I couldn’t put my happiness into words; perhaps not now that I’m still on a high. We were just side by side a few minutes ago, and now we’re on our own again. I miss him so much already. As I look at him pacing away from me, my heart becomes heavy. He is my everything. For the moment, I am left with nothing, and all I ever want is to be beside him as long as I live.

Day 2 of 2015

I never imagined this would all be real. A lot of times I doubted if this would all work out or fail again just like how my stories ended up. I’m not a bitter woman anymore, but I have this feeling that if I plan and expect too much, I’ll be completely damned again. So I don’t plan things; I just let everything happen. I don’t expect a lot from my partner. I just let him do what he wants to do. I still give restrictions but I don’t expect his hundred percent obedience. I mean, I still hate some things he does, but I’m not strict anymore to get really mad over things he wasn’t able to follow. (Oh, and by the way, I hate the words follow, obey and rules. They all make relationships fail.) Without too much expectations and plans, I guess my life would be better with my partner, as well as his life with me. And it worked. I’m so glad it all worked. I finally knew the secret to a healthy relationship. I may be too young to know these things, but at least I knew what’s going on with me and I did something about it.

Aside from the fact that I was able to determine the problem with me, there’s also this drastic change in him that makes this relationship so worthy. I was surprised by the way he’s acting ever since we got back together. He seems so in love with me, like he’s made this promise beyond my knowledge that he’ll love me more than before if I give him another chance. Well, he told me before that he really did. He promised not to let me go again, to make our relationship work out this time, and to make us last forever. He said he’d make me happy all the time and by all means. He told me he’d make up for the last time we had our breakup, that he’ll never hurt me again and he’ll love me because I’m the last woman he’ll ever love. Cheesy, right? I didn’t shed a tear, though my heart was really overjoyed. I never thought he’d turn into a man I’d always dreamt of. He wasn’t really a bad boyfriend before, but he’s totally different now. I can’t even remember what he was like before. All that matters now is what he became after all this time.

I used to daydream that someday a guy will spend the holidays with me even though it’s supposed to be a time with the family. But then it never happened so I threw away all those fantasies and believed that holidays are better when I’m alone. But yesterday, he turned my world upside down. It was the first day of the year, and he wanted to be with me. At home. What he did seemed a normal effort for me, but little did he know that he just made the most perfect decision to be with me on January 1st. I may seem a little hesitant to recognize that effort he made, but at the back of my mind, it’s all I ever wanted and he just made my dream come true! He’s really the greatest.

So we spent half the day together; the first hours were at the mall, strolling around looking for stuff and something to eat. The rest was at home, watching a movie and talking about random things. We were sitting side by side until I craved so much for his warmth. All of a sudden I wanted to just hug him tightly and kiss him infinitely, like we were alone in the house. That moment, my mind was occupied by thoughts of him. He means the world to me. And I was filled with questions, wondering what would happen to me in his absence. What would my life be without him? What would happen to my heart when the only reason for its beating is his love? What would love mean when he’s gone? He’s everything, and if I ever lose him again, I’d be nothing.

He came home late because we waited for my brother’s arrival. I want him to meet my brother so we patiently waited. Honestly, I was nervous. I didn’t know how to react when my brother paced down, reached for his right hand, and shook hands with him. I was happy but I didn’t know what to say. Whatever happened that moment, it was amazing. He met all of my family, and I’m more than glad he’s okay with all of them.

That night, while he was on his way home, we were texting each other when he started telling me things I’d always love to hear, like travel plans, birthday trips (this was originally discussed at home when we’re still together), and marriage. As a woman, I’m naturally dreamy, thinking about all of these things out loud all the time. I’m only trying to hide that feminine part of me most of the time because I didn’t want to expect too much from everything. But now that I heard the same things I’m thinking of from the man I love, I knew our love was not the ordinary feeling we get when we were still young. It’s the kind of love we feel when we’re old enough to think about the future, how we are going to plan our wedding, how much we will spend for that special occasion, and other things only mature couples think about. When he told me his plans for us, I fought the urge to cry for so much happiness, but what the hell, I’m already weeping. I ran out of words to respond to his texts. It took me more than three minutes to compose a message I usually create in a minute. His words were like a remedy to my deepest wounds; when he repeatedly told me to stop crying and just save those tears for his intense proposal, I suddenly felt like life isn’t really tough at all. I cried. He made me believe again in what love can do; that it only takes a man and a woman—for instance, us—truly in love with each other to make life more worthy than riches. I don’t mean to forget the value of money, and just let love do it’s magic on our relationship. Of course, everything is important as well. Love, which is the foundation of marriage, is not the only thing that will keep the marriage alive forever. And that’s why I’m so glad he’s my partner. Our minds are on the same page, that’s why we agree on most things. I don’t claim that we don’t have our many differences. We definitely do, and we’re able to work together despite disagreements. I know we’re a great team, and we’re doing everything towards the success of our long-lasting relationship.

Everything he did and said last night indeed made my day a perfect one. It doesn’t have to take 24 hours to show your loved one how much he or she means to you. For us, it only takes a second to appreciate each other’s presence, a minute to know that we’re always here for each other, an hour to tell the loveliest words we’d long to hear, and a few more hours to show each other how much we love to be together even in silence. I love him so much that I’m not suicidal anymore if he leaves me. He’ll only take away my heart if he strays away, but I know he’ll never ever leave my side. This love brought back the happiness and freedom I lost, the care I used to give, and the life I used to live. So I won’t waste this heaven-sent chance for us to work this out till forever. I love you, baby.

Weekends

What are weekends for?

There’s always something special about weekends. It’s when you can have the whole day hanging out with people who make you happy in different ways. It’s when you can spend most of your time going crazy and laughing over random things. It’s when you can de-stress yourself and relax for a while. But that’s not what makes my weekends special. Not regularly, but this is when I get to spend more than 24 hours with the one I love. It’s when I get to live his life for a day and be with his family too. It’s when I can play my girlfriend role for lots of hours and don’t get tired doing it. For 24 hours, I get to be with him and show him what life is all about when you’re with the one you love. It’s the time of the week when I realize how tough my week went from Monday to Friday, but he simply kisses the exhaustion away that makes the complicated easy. These days make me think how wonderful life is. Just loving him makes me the happiest kid, and knowing that he loves me more makes me feel like I’m in heaven.

I could blame all the tingling sensation to the love hormones that my body keeps on producing every time he’s near. Sometimes it’s too much; I can feel the sudden urge to come close, hang on and don’t let go. The love hormones are just too active these past few days that my mind wouldn’t make me sleep in time. I eat a lot (but responsibly). I would find myself thinking about him in the middle of a job task. I even smile when the thinking crosses the line. Sometimes I would make an excuse, run to the bathroom, then scream silently because I feel so kinikilig just thinking about him. When he says good things I’d love to hear face-to-face, it’s truly breath-taking that makes me run out of words.

Then there’s the planning of the future that makes me feel so serious and sure about what we’re doing. I love the way he tells me what he wants without that impression of a manly demand (A manly demand is like “I want this so you MUST follow me whether you like it or not, if you seriously love me.”) Instead, he’s telling me what he wants, involves me in it, asks for my opinion, and asks me what I also want. This relationship is a great team, complete with perfect plans and communication.

Alongside seriousness, I’m also glad that we’re happy being simple. At their home, we do nothing but lie down, sleep, and watch random TV shows. I would make him sleep until we both fall asleep. We talk about things that make us laugh for seconds. We sit side by side comfortably even in silence. We share the same blanket. We eat together when it’s time. I’m extremely happy for all these things we do because we’re together. I miss this every day. I wouldn’t wish for time to speed up just so I can be with him. Time will not keep the love alive. I would rather wish for us to be stronger through the test of time because love only becomes unbreakable when worked out by two people. Love remains when two people agree to never give up on each other.

Right now, I feel nothing else but joy. I feel so in love like this is the first time, like everything falls into the right place. Everything he does makes me feel that I never made the wrong decision. I love him every day. I love him every second of my life. I couldn’t tell you more how much I do love him, but I can tell you how long it will last—forever. I love him forever and a day.

Only You

Two days ago, we celebrated our first monthsary since we got back together. Indeed, the days are passing by so quickly that I didn’t realize we’ve reached our first month. I wanted to write about what happened that night, but I was too tired to stare at a bright laptop screen and type. But today’s a great day since I have nothing to do, and I thought this is a great time to write down everything that happened two days ago. So here it goes.

It’s been a month, and I’m finally believing it’s all happening. That we’re on again, and it feels so much different now. In terms of how we express our love to each other, nothing has changed. But then there’s something about us that completely changed, and it feels so good that I don’t care how it happened. I just wanted it to continue and last forever. Then I realized, we’ve grown up when we’re apart, and that’s how our relationship worked out. I don’t know how to say this; it’s like we broke up and then we thought we’re trying to be good for someone else. But it’s not the real reason why we’re doing what we’re doing that time we were separated. It’s not God’s will that we changed because of someone else. It’s His plan to bring us people we can learn from, and get back together again because we’re finally mature to continue this relationship. Do you get my point? We needed other people—apart from ourselves—to realize that we’re doing it wrong.

And that’s none of our business now. Times like these make me try to know what’s going on in full details; but it’s beyond my capacity to know absolutely everything. I can’t, and I never will. God makes things happen, and I should just let Him be. But do you understand what I’m trying to express? I’m not saying that it’s what exactly happened; but I’m trying to make ourselves feel good about everything. I just thought it’s my job to tell you how glad I am that of all the people I met and the plans I made for myself, we still ended up with each other. Of the millions of people in the world, I would have met thousands of them. Hundreds of them are men, and I could have fallen in love with a few of them. But it was always you. Only you. Can you imagine how big the world is, and I only have you? I even had you twice. Now, I can’t imagine the world without you despite the many people I can have. That’s ultimately awesome; God is truly great.

To get away from such heavy thoughts up there, I want you to know that these letters are not to impress youor make you feel loved. I don’t sugar coat when I write.I don’t write 100% positive letters all the time. This is to let you know that I’m more honest when I write—not that I’m less honest in person. I just don’t get to say these things because I’m not verbose about it. When it comes to love, it’s better that I write it down, and I believe that you know it very well. I’m speechless more often; my mind goes blank when I should be responding. It only goes to work again when I’m alone and in front of the laptop. So, you’re lucky you are the receiver of my sincere letters. More than that, I’m luckier that I get to write such letters because you drive me crazy about you.

Talking about craziness, I admit that after all this time, I’m still deeply in love with you. I’m physically attracted to you; I’m emotionally attached to you; and I’m mentally connected to you. I don’t literally go crazy anymore, like I can’t be controlled. But I still get that feeling that I’m addicted to you (in a very mature manner). Addicted, as in I think about you all the time; I’m highly excited hours before we meet; my cheeks are flaming red when we’re talking over the phone; and (this time I’m uncontrollable) I can’t help myself but hug you tightly and hold your hands infinitely till we go home. I miss you every day. I miss you even when you’re around. I miss your entire presence and the things I love about you:

1.  Your brown eyes. They’re the finest eyes I’ve looked into.
2.  How simple you are. The way you dress, walkand talk is perfect enough. You’re not trying to be someone else because you are being you;
3. And that’s the third thing I love about you—you are true to yourself.
4. How responsible and disciplined you are.
5. Your humility.
6.  Being a gentleman.
7. Your respect in women.
8.  Your belief in God(and it shows!).
9. Your efforts.
10. And all the things you’re willing to do for me.

So….. I finally came to that part where I can’t add anything else. Of course, there’ll be more of this any time soon.

I’m going to end this with an endless thanks to you, my love. You are my favorite person now and then. Keep making me happy. Don’t stop inspiring me.  Love me even more each day. Stay with me for the rest of your life. Marry me. Let me be the last woman to capture your heart. Just let me love you forever. I’ll do everything to let you know that I’m only yours and I love you so much. You’re my everything, my whole world, and my whole life. You have my heart. Don’t break it, baby. I won’t break yours. I’ll make you stay forever with me. Together we’ll survive this tough life because I’ll never leave you. You’re mine, okay? I love you!

Second Chances

I don’t get why people are so judgmental when a couple, after a very long time of separation, tries to give their relationship another shot. Most people would ask questions like, “You’ve seen the wrongs before. You wouldn’t want to see the same mistakes again if you give him another chance.” Or worse, “That’s why they’re called ‘ex’. You don’t go back to them.” At first, I would re-think situations like these whenever they warn me. But it only took a few minutes for me to realize that maybe they’ve been in a shitty relationship before, that they would prefer to just live like it never existed. But I didn’t love a man to end up forcing myself to forget everything like it never happened. I don’t want to believe that giving love a second chance is just repeating the same mistake, considering that the mistake in our past relationship was not the relationship itself. Rather, it was falling apart when we could still work it out.

In our case, I was the one who got away. So many factors have led to the breakup, including his growing problems. I admit it was my bad, but I wouldn’t want to think it’s solely because of me that the relationship failed. I got fed up of his “masungit” attitude towards me. He would make me feel alone when we’re together. He wouldn’t want to hold my hand. He would leave me alone and be with his friends when I came all the way from home just to be with him. But I’ve got all the dramas that pushed him to his limits.There were so many incidents that made me think he’s flirting with other girls. And I stupidly believed that thought. I was too hot—as in raging hot—to handle whenever I feel doubtful of his actions. I didn’t want him hanging out and drinking alcohol with his friends. I didn’t want him smoking. I remember he told me that he wasn’t happy with me anymore. Half of me died. Then there’s the last space we encountered before we broke up. He was so exhausted of all the ups and downs of our relationship. I, too, was so tired of everything, of him. When we temporarily separated, I didn’t wait for another week. I just slipped away without closure and found somebody else. After a long time of thinking what happened to us, I thought I was too young to handle the harsh reality of being in a serious relationship. I mean, I was serious about him but it was extremely tough. I made it hard for him too.

Now, if I consider the past based on committed mistakes and failures, it would be completely unforgiving. Second chances are not to be held back from people who are sincerely asking for it. But how are you going to prove a person’s sincerity? Basically, you wouldn’t easily know a person’s sincerity by questioning him. It will really take time before you see it through his actions. But I don’t personally believe in waiting a very long time because it will only fade away. They say, “Make him wait and see if he’ll remain persistent.” Oh come on. That’s so untrue and just out of norm. If I were the guy, I can wait that long but I won’t limit myself. I’d try other things while waiting for the one I love. Life’s too short to wait for something uncertain. And let’s face it,that’s what guys normally do. As a girl, I’d rather do it too because I have to live my life to the fullest while I’m still young and free. Consequently, I absolutely understand why guys are guys, and I shouldn’t be bothered because they’re just being themselves. That’s actually better than trying to be a good guy when you’re not.

Going back to forgiving and giving second chances, I know I shouldn’t be looking behind in order to see what he can offer at present. People constantly change, after all.And as cliché as it sounds, the past will always be behind you. Don’t bother looking back when you should be looking straight ahead.Besides,I don’t want to be illogical and unforgiving because that’s not me. I forgive a lot, that’s why I always end up the one who lost the whole world. I easily trust people who have captured my heart; and if they break my trust, it would be hard at first. But if they make enough efforts to win me back, there’s a hundred-percent chance that we’ll be okay again like nothing really bad happened. It’s for the basic reason that “everybody makes mistakes.” I have been breaking people’s trust too. (It’s too bad you wouldn’t believe a girl like me can do something as horrible as that.) So why would I be so restrictive in forgiving? I would always give people second chances when I believe they deserve it. Take note, this is based on my belief, not anyone else’s. They have a different perspective from mine depending on our personal experiences; and there’s a huge possibility that our perceptions won’t meet halfway when it comes to relationships.

So it all comes down to this: Advise me what to do, but don’t expect me to do it. I have a mind of my own. I have a life to live, and it’s up to me how I want to manage it. Besides, if I didn’t ask for your opinion, just listen. See, I respect people’s opinions. I even ask for it when I’m feeling confused and lost. Ialso understand that the truth hurts. But “nothing is true” unless you make yourself believe it is the truth. We only live once. I won’t restrict myself from things labelled as the “truth” when I don’t want to believe it is. I don’t conform to the way things should be—well, that’s just what they (society) say it should be.

If you ask me again if he’s really worth the second chance, if he’s really serious about this now, or if he’s just winning me back because he’s single—guess what—I can’t answer unless I give him that chance. I’m not trying to plunge into the darkness again by giving this relationship another shot. The world is so much clearer now. I don’t even want to close my eyes because that’s the only time I see darkness.I loved him once, and it never went away.

Guys, please calm down for a moment. For once, make me feel like I just talked to a very valuable person. I just don’t see anything wrong about my stories. What if I told you he’s the one, will you point out that it’s too fast? Or if I stay quiet about my life, will you stop telling me I’m wrong? You’re all my friends, and I know you’re concerned about me getting hurt again. Yes, I get depressed. I don’t eat. I sleep less. I ruin my life. But that’s before, when I’m too manipulative of things I can’t control. Look at who I am now, not at who I used to be. Given that I’ve been in the shittiest relationship that’s an exaggeration of woman-must-submit-herself-to-the-man-she-loves, I think I’ve grown into a mature woman that can handle a relationship that’s less shitty than before. You know, I might even make this relationship last this time. So if you don’t mind, I want to make myself happy, and the man who’s responsible for this happiness. I love him so much. “The first time and the last time.”

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In a few months, I don’t know if we’ll remain as sweet as now. But I’m not expecting anything. I’ll just let things happen. I don’t want to set restrictions in our relationship because it never worked out for me. I’m not setting a plot to our love story. The best thing to do to make things last is to just let it happen, because the more I plan about it, the more it turns to waste. Though I’d still look for the sweetness (because I told you I’m freaking clingy), that doesn’t mean I’m compelling you to “stay the same.” Don’t feel pressured because nobody stays completely the same throughout the entire course of a relationship. But I don’t want you changing into someone I would rather not love.Don’t do something you know will only hurt me, and you eventually. I promise to do the same, don’t worry.

You know how much I love you,baby, despite the looseness. I remember you said last night, “Baka isipin mo na hindi kita mahal kasi maluwag ako sayo.” I never thought about that, never even considered that you don’t love me. I sincerely adore how we’re as free as birds while we’re in love with each other. Isn’t that great? From time to time, we’ll be giving each other some rules but it’s not going to be the same rules that ruined many relationships. Whatever you do, wherever you go, and whoever you’re with, I trust you with my whole heart.No more doubts. I know you trust me too. Malalaki na tayo. We already know what to do with ourselves.

Lastly, I want you to know how right you were last night. “I’m not you’re first. You’re not my first. But now, we’re preparing to be each other’s last.” It’s going to be real hard, baby. But we’re going to work this out till the very end, okay? Till the end.

He Kept My Love Letters

First of all, I can’t believe he’s kept all the letters I gave him a year ago. There are short but sweet letters handwritten on a notepad, and there are too long and hurting ones printed on an ordinary paper. He was smiling when he handed it to me, so I expected beautiful pieces I wrote for him. There’s a brown notepad folded in half. Inside was a very short fifth “monthsary” greeting I made. Then there’s the McDonald’s French fries packet with a few paragraphs inside, quite longer than the former. I designed it with letter stickers—that stayed unused since high school until I found someone special to use it for. It was a teenage thing to write such weird letter on a French fries packet, but it was what he wanted that time so I did.  Maybe it wasn’t really a teenage thing to do if it has something to do with love.

All those letters were really great. I thought of continuing that—giving him short and long letters until he’s kept loads of them in his cabinet. However, I felt suddenly sad when I opened the other one. It’s handwritten on stationeries, about four to five pages, folded in thirds, and placed inside a matching vertical envelope. The paper design seemed cheerful but the content was hurting. Well, for me, it is too painful to re-read. I honestly don’t remember this one until I saw it again. It contained words that meant “I can live without you” and “I’m not sure about you anymore.” If he was the one who have said these things to me, I would really cry for days. I can’t believe I’ve told him these things. It was really immature and completely irrational. Clearly, I wasn’t in my proper mind that time. It wasn’t a love letter, I realized. But he still kept it. Gosh, I can’t believe myself.

And then there’s the printed one that took around seven pages to contain everything I have written for days. It was a compilation. The first long entries are the lonely days I had because I did something awful (March 1, 2012) that made me lose him for the first time—almost. He broke up with me but he came back after a week. Until now, his return is still a wonderful thing to remember.

Next to it is a very short entry about our relationship becoming official. Really short, but at least it’s a happy and romantic one. It’s followed by another set of long entries about another seven days of separation. That time (April 1, 2012), I was the one to ask for the temporary separation. According to the letter, I was too depressed to believe that he truly loved me. I would not want to enumerate all accounts, but I’m telling you, it extremely hurts. It was the truth, and it killed both of us. After seven days of that separation, according to what I read (because I can’t remember how it ended), I was waiting again for a text message from him. But I wasn’t too desperate anymore. I realized a lot of things from the space, and that I wanted him to fill that emptiness again. “I’m not sad anymore because I have learned to accept that I’ll be incomplete every single day of my life,” I wrote. “But that didn’t mean I can be without him. I still can’t.”

Lastly, I also saw a small piece of paper folded twice. It was a ripped page from a notebook, containing an apology letter about that awful thing I mentioned earlier. The composition was as awful as what happened—LOL. But as far as I remember, I was in a hurry to write that short letter because he was about to go home in a few hours. I managed to hand it to his teammate before I went to class. Again, I can’t believe he’s kept that one. I thought he’d thrown it away the moment he received it.

So, I can’t believe that after all this time all these letters are still with him. I don’t know how to feel. Well, I have here a short list of what I felt (not in order):

1. I couldn’t thank him enough for that simple effort of keeping my letters.  They’re not all good but he wanted those memories to stay with him. (I feel so indescribably happy about this thought.)
2. I have deleted all those blog posts in my account so I’m glad he’d saved the hard copies. (But there’s one really good and romantic entry I can never retrieve.)
3. I couldn’t contain my happiness that someone who’s dear to me can truly appreciate everything I did—for a long period of time!
4. It was also an unforgettable moment when he gave me the letters and that look again, telling me, “This is how I treasured you all this time.” Just like the old times, I think I blushed and went speechless again. Oh God, he never fails to make me so speechlessly happy with his oh-so-sincere-and-romantic words.
5.  I suddenly felt so eager to go back to writing love letters because it’s making someone very happy. Writing isn’t new to me because when I know someone’s going to read it whole-heartedly, I will give my best. But the feeling that finally I get to write for someone who’s certainly going to digest every word—and even saving it for good—is totally new.
6. The next thing I felt, I wanted this relationship to last forever. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I would continue making letters for him. I want to make him laugh. I want to be his bestfriend, partner, soulmate, girlfriend, and soon-to-be wife. I want him to feel loved because I really, really, really do. I want him to know that I feel loved too.

It may be too early to be so conclusive, or I may sound so young and crazy in love again. But I really think and feel he’s the one. I don’t care what everyone else has to say (because they always have something to say!), but I really think we should be together for life. I’m not old enough, but I’m neither getting younger. He’s just brought me home and introduced me to his literally extended family and childhood friends. I wasn’t asking for it this time but he invited me over, and what’s a little yes to something I have been waiting all my life? No second thoughts, I said yes. I can’t tell you how I exactly feel about this. All I know is that this is very special to me.

I’m going to give you a quick list of how I enjoyed almost two days of being with him:

·         I missed that look he gives me every minute. The way he checks on me every time if I’m okay and his sweet voice whenever he reminds me of what I shouldn’t eat. Oh, and the way he talks to me when we’re alone. I missed all those things; and now it’s happening again, I would never let this slip away again.

·         He sings a lot but I love his voice (that he didn’t believe at first). I wondered why I didn’t notice it before. I love how he looks at me when the line describes our relationship. If only he can see through my heart and memories, he’ll understand how an act as simple as that means so much to me.

·         He doesn’t seem to forget everything we’ve talked about before. He can remember even the smallest things I told him.

·         He just made me want to listen to and sing love songs again. By the way, the songs in my playlist would remind me of him most of the time; even when we’re still apart, most of the songs I listen to are about him. (I’m telling the truth!)

·         The first thing I do when I go over to someone’s house is to observe how they treat their mother. I noticed he’s really sweet to his mother. He would be annoying and moody sometimes but he’s a really good son to his mother. I can tell. And I’m extremely glad I witnessed a very good relationship he has with his parents,and siblings as well.

·         Aside from him, I also missed the company he has. His friends are all very funny and interesting. I may not understand everything they say (because they talk too fast and in a different dialect), but I like being there just listening, decoding their speedy words, and laughing with them.

·         Honestly, I’m really a clingy person. I badly need to hold him every time. I need him to hold my hand. He must allow me to be really close to him when I have to. I know my limitations, so I know when to behave and when to misbehave—LOL. Seriously speaking, I just want him to let me hold his hand, grasp his arms, hug him, stroke his hair, touch and caress every part of his body, put my arms above his shoulders, rub his tummy, and sniff his shoulders because I need to. Not every time, but when it feels really appropriate, I’m a freaking clingy person.

·         Last, but not to end the list (because there’s always a lot of things left unsaid), I love him to the bones. That just sums up how I enjoyed his entire presence.

It’s really too early to give an overview of how this relationship is going to be in the future, but so much has changed between us. The way we see things, handle our differences, and manage our communication is so much better that I believe we’ll be stronger than before. Again, here’s another quick list to expound what I’m trying to say:

·         Past is past.I love the fact that the past is just a place for mistakes and learning. It’s not a thing we should keep looking back to because why the hell dowe have to, right?

·         Acceptance.I’ve learned to accept the things I never took into consideration before. Like what he said, we’re old enough to know what’s right and wrong—and of course, to do what’s right.

·         Demands. I don’t have to tell him what to do because he already knows it. For instance, when I feel like I’m about to feel off, he’d just quickly apologize and that’s it. This was an issue I’ve been trying to work out for so long, but now I managed to reduce my selfish demands and focus on what the other can do for me. A relationship, after all, is not about what I think he can do for me. I’ll let him do what he thinks he need to do. I believe he knows what I want because we’ve been together for a long time.

·         Less doubts. Well, I trust him a lot. A LOT. I believe I have nothing to doubt. I’ll be stopping myself from overthinking this time.

There’s too much to say here but this has gone too long. I wouldn’t want this one to reach 2,000 words. Three words for my man: I LOVE HIM. One more word for my future husband: FOREVER.

Thanks for everything, Baby! I love youuuuu a looooooot. Don’t you forget that, okay! :)))

Another Shot for Us

I'm not so sure how to feel about all these. Everything was so sudden. I was just trying to get up from a fall when you picked me up. The one I loved a long time ago. The one I didn't expect to come. The one I thought I forgot, but I never really did.

I don't know how to put this in words. Like how we started our relationship years ago, I still can't tell you how much I'm happy you're in my life. Much more now that you're here again despite everything. We both know I was bad before. I even left you, not thinking how you're going to feel about that. I was blinded by my selfish, immature demands that I didn't see how much you value me and our relationship. We were so messed up then, and I wasn't able to handle those rough times. I thought leaving you will make me a better person, but it turned out to be a bigger mess I got into.

It was tough for me too. I thought I've already moved on from you. But you were always in my dreams. A lot of things reminded me of you. I tried getting rid of those things, but I loved the feeling of remembering someone I truly loved long ago. I was feeling guilty all the time because sometimes I find myself thinking of you. I wanted to talk to you ever since I left. I always wished I would see you somewhere I know you would be. Whenever I come to school, I wished to meet you or anyone close to you to know what's been going on with your life. I tried looking at your FB page too, and I saw no new photos of you.

Until you sent me a message a month ago. I felt so nervous. I was supposed to respond that same day; but I stopped myself. I really felt nervous because I wanted so much to talk to you, that I was thinking about it the whole week before I finally replied. I even talked to my friends about it because I was so bothered. Then I replied a week after. I forgot how but I remember what I felt that moment—tensed and relieved at the same time. I tried to sound like I don't want to talk to you so you'll back off. Remember, I even congratulated your Ate and asked where you work? That's because I wanted to prolong the conversation. I wanted to tell you that I'm happy we've finally talked and settled the past. I wanted to tell you how glad I am that you were the one to apologize. But I can't.

Sorry, bie. I was so rude that time. But you never gave up, right? I thought that after I told you we can't be friends you'll take back your friend request. But you didn't. You waited.

Just days ago, I finally decided to talk to you without stopping myself. It was actually the best thing I did ever since I searched for you again—though I wasn't expecting you to be coming back to me as my boyfriend again. I just really wanted to talk to you, know what's happened to you since we parted ways, and tell you everything that has happened to me too. You asked if we could be friends; I thought we can.

Then we're back together again. Just like that. Time healed our wounds, and the past was nothing but just a lesson we learned from. I'm really, really, really glad to have you again. You're that person who doesn't depend on the past. You're that man who lives in the present, learns from the past, and works for the future—and I love you so much for that. It's almost two years since we separated, but now, it felt like we never ended.

I still can't believe we're a couple again. I'm happier now, not only because we're in love with each other again, but also because we've grown up enough to handle our relationship better and stronger than before. I don't want to believe in destiny anymore but with everything happening just a day before our monthsary, I thought it's really fate that brought us together again.

I'm so glad we're going to celebrate your birthday again, as well as my college graduation, and holidays like Christmas and New Year. All these things are very important to me. You know me, I'm not into extravagant celebrations, gifts, or trips. I just want to be with you, your arms wrapped around me, just us in love with each other. Do you remember the long walks we used to have? The comfortable silence we shared? The dreams we built together? The future we've hoped to achieve? And the love we've long fought for? All the good things we had before we fell apart? I remember all these the moment I looked into your eyes again. I may not remember everything as detailed as you can, but the feelings I felt for you before—minus the frustrations and sorrows—are coming back and it's so vivid like we've never broken up. I love you even more now.

We know it's quite too fast to talk about marriage, but I am really up for it. I know I'm still too young to plan about these things, but I just wanted to settle down as soon as I have enough resources. I was always hoping I'd finally find the man I could share these plans with. The fact that I have never forgotten you, I always thought of you, I have always loved you, and I missed you all the time you were away, maybe you are the man I could finally get away with these plans. Maybe you are that one. I really want to marry you. I always told you before, I may not be the first woman in your life, but I will love you more than you love me because I want to be your last. I know you've heard this before from me or anyone else, but I want you for the rest of my life. Only you.

Baby, we don't know what'll happen next. Only God knows what's best for us. But I think if He wanted us to be together again, He definitely wanted us to love wholly again. We don't want to waste this God-given chance, right? Let's do everything to make this last longer than forever. You know, I can cause you stress; I can get mad at you; I cannot talk to you for hours; and I can be moody. But did you know that despite all these, I'll never leave you again? Do you still believe that I'll never give up on you again?

I love you so much, baby. There are too many fish in the sea, but I found you twice. I truly love you for who you are, who you've become when we're apart, and who you'll be in the near future—my husband. I want to thank you for:

* the unbelievable patience you had waiting for me

* being the first to apologize for what happened in the past

* offering a friendship I can't resist

* forgetting the past and looking ahead

* giving me your time

* being so sweet and honest

* loving me

* inspiring me to write about being happy and in love again

* being the best man I've ever had

* coming into my life again

* inviting me over to your hometown (you already know how much it means to me)

* AND EVERYTHING ELSE I CAN'T EXPLAIN!

This is it for now. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BABY!