Second Chances

I don’t get why people are so judgmental when a couple, after a very long time of separation, tries to give their relationship another shot. Most people would ask questions like, “You’ve seen the wrongs before. You wouldn’t want to see the same mistakes again if you give him another chance.” Or worse, “That’s why they’re called ‘ex’. You don’t go back to them.” At first, I would re-think situations like these whenever they warn me. But it only took a few minutes for me to realize that maybe they’ve been in a shitty relationship before, that they would prefer to just live like it never existed. But I didn’t love a man to end up forcing myself to forget everything like it never happened. I don’t want to believe that giving love a second chance is just repeating the same mistake, considering that the mistake in our past relationship was not the relationship itself. Rather, it was falling apart when we could still work it out.

In our case, I was the one who got away. So many factors have led to the breakup, including his growing problems. I admit it was my bad, but I wouldn’t want to think it’s solely because of me that the relationship failed. I got fed up of his “masungit” attitude towards me. He would make me feel alone when we’re together. He wouldn’t want to hold my hand. He would leave me alone and be with his friends when I came all the way from home just to be with him. But I’ve got all the dramas that pushed him to his limits.There were so many incidents that made me think he’s flirting with other girls. And I stupidly believed that thought. I was too hot—as in raging hot—to handle whenever I feel doubtful of his actions. I didn’t want him hanging out and drinking alcohol with his friends. I didn’t want him smoking. I remember he told me that he wasn’t happy with me anymore. Half of me died. Then there’s the last space we encountered before we broke up. He was so exhausted of all the ups and downs of our relationship. I, too, was so tired of everything, of him. When we temporarily separated, I didn’t wait for another week. I just slipped away without closure and found somebody else. After a long time of thinking what happened to us, I thought I was too young to handle the harsh reality of being in a serious relationship. I mean, I was serious about him but it was extremely tough. I made it hard for him too.

Now, if I consider the past based on committed mistakes and failures, it would be completely unforgiving. Second chances are not to be held back from people who are sincerely asking for it. But how are you going to prove a person’s sincerity? Basically, you wouldn’t easily know a person’s sincerity by questioning him. It will really take time before you see it through his actions. But I don’t personally believe in waiting a very long time because it will only fade away. They say, “Make him wait and see if he’ll remain persistent.” Oh come on. That’s so untrue and just out of norm. If I were the guy, I can wait that long but I won’t limit myself. I’d try other things while waiting for the one I love. Life’s too short to wait for something uncertain. And let’s face it,that’s what guys normally do. As a girl, I’d rather do it too because I have to live my life to the fullest while I’m still young and free. Consequently, I absolutely understand why guys are guys, and I shouldn’t be bothered because they’re just being themselves. That’s actually better than trying to be a good guy when you’re not.

Going back to forgiving and giving second chances, I know I shouldn’t be looking behind in order to see what he can offer at present. People constantly change, after all.And as cliché as it sounds, the past will always be behind you. Don’t bother looking back when you should be looking straight ahead.Besides,I don’t want to be illogical and unforgiving because that’s not me. I forgive a lot, that’s why I always end up the one who lost the whole world. I easily trust people who have captured my heart; and if they break my trust, it would be hard at first. But if they make enough efforts to win me back, there’s a hundred-percent chance that we’ll be okay again like nothing really bad happened. It’s for the basic reason that “everybody makes mistakes.” I have been breaking people’s trust too. (It’s too bad you wouldn’t believe a girl like me can do something as horrible as that.) So why would I be so restrictive in forgiving? I would always give people second chances when I believe they deserve it. Take note, this is based on my belief, not anyone else’s. They have a different perspective from mine depending on our personal experiences; and there’s a huge possibility that our perceptions won’t meet halfway when it comes to relationships.

So it all comes down to this: Advise me what to do, but don’t expect me to do it. I have a mind of my own. I have a life to live, and it’s up to me how I want to manage it. Besides, if I didn’t ask for your opinion, just listen. See, I respect people’s opinions. I even ask for it when I’m feeling confused and lost. Ialso understand that the truth hurts. But “nothing is true” unless you make yourself believe it is the truth. We only live once. I won’t restrict myself from things labelled as the “truth” when I don’t want to believe it is. I don’t conform to the way things should be—well, that’s just what they (society) say it should be.

If you ask me again if he’s really worth the second chance, if he’s really serious about this now, or if he’s just winning me back because he’s single—guess what—I can’t answer unless I give him that chance. I’m not trying to plunge into the darkness again by giving this relationship another shot. The world is so much clearer now. I don’t even want to close my eyes because that’s the only time I see darkness.I loved him once, and it never went away.

Guys, please calm down for a moment. For once, make me feel like I just talked to a very valuable person. I just don’t see anything wrong about my stories. What if I told you he’s the one, will you point out that it’s too fast? Or if I stay quiet about my life, will you stop telling me I’m wrong? You’re all my friends, and I know you’re concerned about me getting hurt again. Yes, I get depressed. I don’t eat. I sleep less. I ruin my life. But that’s before, when I’m too manipulative of things I can’t control. Look at who I am now, not at who I used to be. Given that I’ve been in the shittiest relationship that’s an exaggeration of woman-must-submit-herself-to-the-man-she-loves, I think I’ve grown into a mature woman that can handle a relationship that’s less shitty than before. You know, I might even make this relationship last this time. So if you don’t mind, I want to make myself happy, and the man who’s responsible for this happiness. I love him so much. “The first time and the last time.”

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In a few months, I don’t know if we’ll remain as sweet as now. But I’m not expecting anything. I’ll just let things happen. I don’t want to set restrictions in our relationship because it never worked out for me. I’m not setting a plot to our love story. The best thing to do to make things last is to just let it happen, because the more I plan about it, the more it turns to waste. Though I’d still look for the sweetness (because I told you I’m freaking clingy), that doesn’t mean I’m compelling you to “stay the same.” Don’t feel pressured because nobody stays completely the same throughout the entire course of a relationship. But I don’t want you changing into someone I would rather not love.Don’t do something you know will only hurt me, and you eventually. I promise to do the same, don’t worry.

You know how much I love you,baby, despite the looseness. I remember you said last night, “Baka isipin mo na hindi kita mahal kasi maluwag ako sayo.” I never thought about that, never even considered that you don’t love me. I sincerely adore how we’re as free as birds while we’re in love with each other. Isn’t that great? From time to time, we’ll be giving each other some rules but it’s not going to be the same rules that ruined many relationships. Whatever you do, wherever you go, and whoever you’re with, I trust you with my whole heart.No more doubts. I know you trust me too. Malalaki na tayo. We already know what to do with ourselves.

Lastly, I want you to know how right you were last night. “I’m not you’re first. You’re not my first. But now, we’re preparing to be each other’s last.” It’s going to be real hard, baby. But we’re going to work this out till the very end, okay? Till the end.