He Kept My Love Letters

First of all, I can’t believe he’s kept all the letters I gave him a year ago. There are short but sweet letters handwritten on a notepad, and there are too long and hurting ones printed on an ordinary paper. He was smiling when he handed it to me, so I expected beautiful pieces I wrote for him. There’s a brown notepad folded in half. Inside was a very short fifth “monthsary” greeting I made. Then there’s the McDonald’s French fries packet with a few paragraphs inside, quite longer than the former. I designed it with letter stickers—that stayed unused since high school until I found someone special to use it for. It was a teenage thing to write such weird letter on a French fries packet, but it was what he wanted that time so I did.  Maybe it wasn’t really a teenage thing to do if it has something to do with love.

All those letters were really great. I thought of continuing that—giving him short and long letters until he’s kept loads of them in his cabinet. However, I felt suddenly sad when I opened the other one. It’s handwritten on stationeries, about four to five pages, folded in thirds, and placed inside a matching vertical envelope. The paper design seemed cheerful but the content was hurting. Well, for me, it is too painful to re-read. I honestly don’t remember this one until I saw it again. It contained words that meant “I can live without you” and “I’m not sure about you anymore.” If he was the one who have said these things to me, I would really cry for days. I can’t believe I’ve told him these things. It was really immature and completely irrational. Clearly, I wasn’t in my proper mind that time. It wasn’t a love letter, I realized. But he still kept it. Gosh, I can’t believe myself.

And then there’s the printed one that took around seven pages to contain everything I have written for days. It was a compilation. The first long entries are the lonely days I had because I did something awful (March 1, 2012) that made me lose him for the first time—almost. He broke up with me but he came back after a week. Until now, his return is still a wonderful thing to remember.

Next to it is a very short entry about our relationship becoming official. Really short, but at least it’s a happy and romantic one. It’s followed by another set of long entries about another seven days of separation. That time (April 1, 2012), I was the one to ask for the temporary separation. According to the letter, I was too depressed to believe that he truly loved me. I would not want to enumerate all accounts, but I’m telling you, it extremely hurts. It was the truth, and it killed both of us. After seven days of that separation, according to what I read (because I can’t remember how it ended), I was waiting again for a text message from him. But I wasn’t too desperate anymore. I realized a lot of things from the space, and that I wanted him to fill that emptiness again. “I’m not sad anymore because I have learned to accept that I’ll be incomplete every single day of my life,” I wrote. “But that didn’t mean I can be without him. I still can’t.”

Lastly, I also saw a small piece of paper folded twice. It was a ripped page from a notebook, containing an apology letter about that awful thing I mentioned earlier. The composition was as awful as what happened—LOL. But as far as I remember, I was in a hurry to write that short letter because he was about to go home in a few hours. I managed to hand it to his teammate before I went to class. Again, I can’t believe he’s kept that one. I thought he’d thrown it away the moment he received it.

So, I can’t believe that after all this time all these letters are still with him. I don’t know how to feel. Well, I have here a short list of what I felt (not in order):

1. I couldn’t thank him enough for that simple effort of keeping my letters.  They’re not all good but he wanted those memories to stay with him. (I feel so indescribably happy about this thought.)
2. I have deleted all those blog posts in my account so I’m glad he’d saved the hard copies. (But there’s one really good and romantic entry I can never retrieve.)
3. I couldn’t contain my happiness that someone who’s dear to me can truly appreciate everything I did—for a long period of time!
4. It was also an unforgettable moment when he gave me the letters and that look again, telling me, “This is how I treasured you all this time.” Just like the old times, I think I blushed and went speechless again. Oh God, he never fails to make me so speechlessly happy with his oh-so-sincere-and-romantic words.
5.  I suddenly felt so eager to go back to writing love letters because it’s making someone very happy. Writing isn’t new to me because when I know someone’s going to read it whole-heartedly, I will give my best. But the feeling that finally I get to write for someone who’s certainly going to digest every word—and even saving it for good—is totally new.
6. The next thing I felt, I wanted this relationship to last forever. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I would continue making letters for him. I want to make him laugh. I want to be his bestfriend, partner, soulmate, girlfriend, and soon-to-be wife. I want him to feel loved because I really, really, really do. I want him to know that I feel loved too.

It may be too early to be so conclusive, or I may sound so young and crazy in love again. But I really think and feel he’s the one. I don’t care what everyone else has to say (because they always have something to say!), but I really think we should be together for life. I’m not old enough, but I’m neither getting younger. He’s just brought me home and introduced me to his literally extended family and childhood friends. I wasn’t asking for it this time but he invited me over, and what’s a little yes to something I have been waiting all my life? No second thoughts, I said yes. I can’t tell you how I exactly feel about this. All I know is that this is very special to me.

I’m going to give you a quick list of how I enjoyed almost two days of being with him:

·         I missed that look he gives me every minute. The way he checks on me every time if I’m okay and his sweet voice whenever he reminds me of what I shouldn’t eat. Oh, and the way he talks to me when we’re alone. I missed all those things; and now it’s happening again, I would never let this slip away again.

·         He sings a lot but I love his voice (that he didn’t believe at first). I wondered why I didn’t notice it before. I love how he looks at me when the line describes our relationship. If only he can see through my heart and memories, he’ll understand how an act as simple as that means so much to me.

·         He doesn’t seem to forget everything we’ve talked about before. He can remember even the smallest things I told him.

·         He just made me want to listen to and sing love songs again. By the way, the songs in my playlist would remind me of him most of the time; even when we’re still apart, most of the songs I listen to are about him. (I’m telling the truth!)

·         The first thing I do when I go over to someone’s house is to observe how they treat their mother. I noticed he’s really sweet to his mother. He would be annoying and moody sometimes but he’s a really good son to his mother. I can tell. And I’m extremely glad I witnessed a very good relationship he has with his parents,and siblings as well.

·         Aside from him, I also missed the company he has. His friends are all very funny and interesting. I may not understand everything they say (because they talk too fast and in a different dialect), but I like being there just listening, decoding their speedy words, and laughing with them.

·         Honestly, I’m really a clingy person. I badly need to hold him every time. I need him to hold my hand. He must allow me to be really close to him when I have to. I know my limitations, so I know when to behave and when to misbehave—LOL. Seriously speaking, I just want him to let me hold his hand, grasp his arms, hug him, stroke his hair, touch and caress every part of his body, put my arms above his shoulders, rub his tummy, and sniff his shoulders because I need to. Not every time, but when it feels really appropriate, I’m a freaking clingy person.

·         Last, but not to end the list (because there’s always a lot of things left unsaid), I love him to the bones. That just sums up how I enjoyed his entire presence.

It’s really too early to give an overview of how this relationship is going to be in the future, but so much has changed between us. The way we see things, handle our differences, and manage our communication is so much better that I believe we’ll be stronger than before. Again, here’s another quick list to expound what I’m trying to say:

·         Past is past.I love the fact that the past is just a place for mistakes and learning. It’s not a thing we should keep looking back to because why the hell dowe have to, right?

·         Acceptance.I’ve learned to accept the things I never took into consideration before. Like what he said, we’re old enough to know what’s right and wrong—and of course, to do what’s right.

·         Demands. I don’t have to tell him what to do because he already knows it. For instance, when I feel like I’m about to feel off, he’d just quickly apologize and that’s it. This was an issue I’ve been trying to work out for so long, but now I managed to reduce my selfish demands and focus on what the other can do for me. A relationship, after all, is not about what I think he can do for me. I’ll let him do what he thinks he need to do. I believe he knows what I want because we’ve been together for a long time.

·         Less doubts. Well, I trust him a lot. A LOT. I believe I have nothing to doubt. I’ll be stopping myself from overthinking this time.

There’s too much to say here but this has gone too long. I wouldn’t want this one to reach 2,000 words. Three words for my man: I LOVE HIM. One more word for my future husband: FOREVER.

Thanks for everything, Baby! I love youuuuu a looooooot. Don’t you forget that, okay! :)))