First of all, I can’t believe he’s kept all the
letters I gave him a year ago.
There are short but sweet letters handwritten on a notepad, and there are too
long and hurting ones printed on an ordinary paper. He was smiling when he
handed it to me, so I expected beautiful pieces I wrote for him. There’s a
brown notepad folded in half. Inside was a very short fifth “monthsary” greeting
I made. Then there’s the McDonald’s French fries packet with a few paragraphs
inside, quite longer than the former. I designed it with letter stickers—that
stayed unused since high school until I found someone special to use it for. It
was a teenage thing to write such weird letter on a French fries packet, but it
was what he wanted that time so I did. Maybe it wasn’t really a teenage thing to do
if it has something to do with love.
All
those letters were really great. I thought of continuing that—giving him short
and long letters until he’s kept loads of them in his cabinet. However, I felt
suddenly sad when I opened the other one. It’s handwritten on stationeries,
about four to five pages, folded in thirds, and placed inside a matching
vertical envelope. The paper design seemed cheerful but the content was
hurting. Well, for me, it is too painful to re-read. I honestly don’t remember
this one until I saw it again. It contained words that meant “I can live
without you” and “I’m not sure about you anymore.” If he was the one who have
said these things to me, I would really cry for days. I can’t believe I’ve told
him these things. It was really immature and completely irrational. Clearly, I
wasn’t in my proper mind that time. It wasn’t a love letter, I realized. But he
still kept it. Gosh, I can’t believe myself.
And
then there’s the printed one that took around seven pages to contain everything
I have written for days. It was a compilation. The first long entries are the lonely
days I had because I did something awful (March 1, 2012) that made me lose him
for the first time—almost. He broke up with me but he came back after a week.
Until now, his return is still a wonderful thing to remember.
Next
to it is a very short entry about our relationship becoming official. Really
short, but at least it’s a happy and romantic one. It’s followed by another set
of long entries about another seven days of separation. That time (April 1,
2012), I was the one to ask for the temporary separation. According to the
letter, I was too depressed to believe that he truly loved me. I would not want
to enumerate all accounts, but I’m telling you, it extremely hurts. It was the
truth, and it killed both of us. After seven days of that separation, according
to what I read (because I can’t remember how it ended), I was waiting again for
a text message from him. But I wasn’t too desperate anymore. I realized a lot
of things from the space, and that I wanted him to fill that emptiness again.
“I’m not sad anymore because I have learned to accept that I’ll be incomplete
every single day of my life,” I wrote. “But that didn’t mean I can be without
him. I still can’t.”
Lastly,
I also saw a small piece of paper folded twice. It was a ripped page from a
notebook, containing an apology letter about that awful thing I mentioned
earlier. The composition was as awful as what happened—LOL. But as far as I
remember, I was in a hurry to write that short letter because he was about to
go home in a few hours. I managed to hand it to his teammate before I went to
class. Again, I can’t believe he’s kept that one. I thought he’d thrown it away
the moment he received it.
So,
I can’t believe that after all this time
all these letters are still with him. I don’t know how to feel. Well, I
have here a short list of what I felt (not in order):
- I
couldn’t thank him enough for that simple effort of keeping my letters. They’re not all good but he wanted those
memories to stay with him. (I feel so indescribably happy about this thought.)
- I have deleted all those blog posts in my account so I’m glad he’d saved the hard
copies. (But there’s one really good and romantic entry I can never retrieve.)
- I
couldn’t contain my happiness that someone who’s dear to me can truly appreciate
everything I did—for a long period of time!
- It was also an unforgettable moment when he gave me the letters and that look
again, telling me, “This is how I treasured
you all this time.” Just like the old times, I think I blushed and went
speechless again. Oh God, he never fails to make me so speechlessly happy with
his oh-so-sincere-and-romantic words.
- I
suddenly felt so eager to go back to writing love letters because it’s making
someone very happy. Writing isn’t new to me because when I know someone’s going
to read it whole-heartedly, I will give my best. But the feeling that finally I get to write for someone who’s
certainly going to digest every
word—and even saving it for good—is totally new.
- The
next thing I felt, I wanted this relationship to last forever. I don’t want to
hurt him anymore. I would continue making letters for him. I want to make him
laugh. I want to be his bestfriend, partner, soulmate, girlfriend, and
soon-to-be wife. I want him to feel loved because I really, really, really do.
I want him to know that I feel loved too.
It may be too early to be so conclusive, or I may
sound so young and crazy in love again. But I really think and feel he’s the
one. I don’t care what everyone else has to say (because they always have
something to say!), but I really think we should be together for life. I’m not
old enough, but I’m neither getting younger. He’s just brought me home and
introduced me to his literally extended family and childhood friends. I wasn’t
asking for it this time but he invited me over, and what’s a little yes to
something I have been waiting all my life? No second thoughts, I said yes. I
can’t tell you how I exactly feel about this. All I know is that this is very
special to me.
I’m going to give you a quick list of how I enjoyed
almost two days of being with him:
·
I
missed that look he gives me every minute. The way he checks on me every time
if I’m okay and his sweet voice whenever he reminds me of what I shouldn’t eat.
Oh, and the way he talks to me when we’re alone. I missed all those things; and
now it’s happening again, I would never let this slip away again.
·
He
sings a lot but I love his voice (that he didn’t believe at first). I wondered
why I didn’t notice it before. I love how he looks at me when the line describes
our relationship. If only he can see through my heart and memories, he’ll
understand how an act as simple as that means so much to me.
·
He
doesn’t seem to forget everything we’ve talked about before. He can remember
even the smallest things I told him.
·
He
just made me want to listen to and sing love songs again. By the way, the songs
in my playlist would remind me of him most of the time; even when we’re still
apart, most of the songs I listen to are about him. (I’m telling the truth!)
·
The
first thing I do when I go over to someone’s house is to observe how they treat
their mother. I noticed he’s really sweet to his mother. He would be annoying
and moody sometimes but he’s a really good son to his mother. I can tell. And
I’m extremely glad I witnessed a very good relationship he has with his parents,and
siblings as well.
·
Aside
from him, I also missed the company he has. His friends are all very funny and
interesting. I may not understand everything they say (because they talk too
fast and in a different dialect), but I like being there just listening,
decoding their speedy words, and laughing with them.
·
Honestly,
I’m really a clingy person. I badly need to hold him every time. I need him to
hold my hand. He must allow me to be really close to him when I have to. I know
my limitations, so I know when to behave and when to misbehave—LOL. Seriously
speaking, I just want him to let me hold his hand, grasp his arms, hug him,
stroke his hair, touch and caress every part of his body, put my arms above his
shoulders, rub his tummy, and sniff his shoulders because I need to. Not every
time, but when it feels really appropriate, I’m a freaking clingy person.
·
Last,
but not to end the list (because there’s always a lot of things left unsaid), I love him to the bones. That just sums up
how I enjoyed his entire presence.
It’s
really too early to give an overview of how this relationship is going to be in
the future, but so much has changed between us. The way we see things, handle
our differences, and manage our communication is so much better that I believe
we’ll be stronger than before. Again, here’s another quick list to expound what
I’m trying to say:
·
Past is past.I love the fact that
the past is just a place for mistakes and learning. It’s not a thing we should
keep looking back to because why the hell dowe have to, right?
·
Acceptance.I’ve learned to accept
the things I never took into consideration before. Like what he said, we’re old
enough to know what’s right and wrong—and of course, to do what’s right.
·
Demands. I don’t have to tell
him what to do because he already knows it. For instance, when I feel like I’m
about to feel off, he’d just quickly apologize and that’s it. This was an issue
I’ve been trying to work out for so long, but now I managed to reduce my
selfish demands and focus on what the other can do for me. A relationship,
after all, is not about what I think he can do for me. I’ll let him do what he
thinks he need to do. I believe he knows what I want because we’ve been together
for a long time.
·
Less doubts. Well, I trust him a
lot. A LOT. I believe I have nothing to doubt. I’ll be stopping myself from
overthinking this time.
There’s
too much to say here but this has gone too long. I wouldn’t want this one to
reach 2,000 words. Three words for my man: I
LOVE HIM. One more word for my future husband: FOREVER.
Thanks for everything, Baby! I
love youuuuu a looooooot. Don’t you forget that, okay! :)))
